


Coming Clean: An Excess of Soap

by Willa Shakespeare (AnonEhouse)



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Soap Opera Cliche Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 14:46:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/Willa%20Shakespeare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for a Soap Opera Cliché challenge. I... yeah... I think I got just a teensy bit carried away. On the other hand, the actor who played Kerr Avon <i>Did</i> also play Elvis Presley, so who's to say what's too far to go?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming Clean: An Excess of Soap

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"It's all right, Vila, you can wake up now."

Vila had been seeing Cally's spirit ever since Terminal, usually pointing at Avon and shaking her head. She'd helped him hide on the shuttle, when he was sure Avon was going to kill him. But this was the first time he'd heard her. She sounded gently teasing, but then her voice turned sad.

"I lost our baby."

Vila's eyes flew open. Cally was really there. "Baby? But, it was only the one time."

Cally lovingly touched Vila's silk-smooth cheek. "I was wrong to let my people's ridiculous supremacy ideals keep us apart."

"But, but, you were dead, Cally!" Vila looked thoughtful. "Avon did say he couldn't find your body. I thought he just hadn't looked very hard. I thought he didn't care."

"Oh, no, Vila! Avon cared. I saw him coming for me, pulling the rubble apart with his bare hands, but then Servalan captured him."

"Servalan? She wasn't there, she was on Liberator!"

"One of her was. She had clones made of herself."

"So, who was the Avon who made my life miserable for two years, another clone?"

"No, that was Avon's evil twin brother, Ramon."

"Ramon Avon? No wonder he was evil," Vila mused. Cally helped him sit up and fluffed pillows behind him. "How did you survive?"

"By an odd coincidence, Del Grant had wrecked his ship on Terminal, and while he couldn't save my life..."

Vila gasped, and reached out for her hand. Cally smiled and patted him. "It's all right, Vila. He was able to salvage Servalan's cloning equipment and memory implantation devices, and restore me. It did take him quite a while. Years, in fact." She leaned over to kiss Vila, whose breath was minty-fresh, even after a week in a coma.

"I have to go check on the baby, Vila, I'll be right back."

"Baby? But you said..."

Cally sighed. "Well, Vila, we were stranded a long time, and Del always kept so fit on Servalan's exercise equipment... so fit, and so sweaty... Aurons can't resist the pheromones in sweat."

Vila scowled. "I can sweat."

Cally giggled, and then turned aside from Vila. She went two steps away and picked up a pink-wrapped bundle. She patted the baby and it opened golden-brown eyes and cooed at her. "Servona is such a good baby."

Vila peered at the child suspiciously. "Servona? You know, she looks..."

Cally sighed. "Yes, I know. She's Servalan and Avon's child. They were trapped with us, remember? Avon's amnesia—Servalan _said_ it was caused by a blow to the head—not only kept him from helping Del with repairing the machinery to save me, but it enabled her to seduce him. There was a lot of confusion the night we both gave birth—what with Avon and Del reading up on delivery and my baby being breech and Servalan wasn't doing well, either. Well, we did a paternity test once we realized there was a chance they'd been mixed up, but Avon had been at the computer. So it gave the wrong answer."

"Avon messed up the computer?" Vila tentatively poked Servona, who giggled and grabbed his finger. "Avon?"

"Well, once he had amnesia and I was still in bits... Servalan retrained him as a dress-maker. She couldn't very well wear the same outfit twice. He's doing very well at it now. He has his own line – Chevron's Classics, he calls them. Personally, I think he overdoes the glitz and feathers."

Vila lay back against the pillows, trying to take this all in. "Erm. So. What happened on Gauda Prime?"

"Between us, Servalan and I managed to repair Del's ship, but none of us particularly wanted to go back to what we'd been doing before, so we retired on Gardenos. We kept up with the news, for old times sake, and Servalan corresponded with a psychostrategian named Carnell. Carnell told us Ramon was mad as a hatter, and bound to show up to destroy Blake on Gauda Prime."

"How did you know Blake was on Gauda Prime?"

"Oh, half his recruits were Federation and reported to Servalan's clone. They were just stringing him along in case he'd be useful later."

"Poor Blake. What a way to die."

Cally gave Vila a pitying look. "Servalan, Del, Carnell, and I planned the confrontation on Gauda Prime, Vila. No one was hurt. It was all a show to convince Servalan's clone, so we could all retire."

"But... I mean, I thought you and Blake would never rest until the rebellion was won!"

"Well, it is! Servalan wouldn't make clones she couldn't control. Once she married Avon... oh, that was a lovely ceremony, the day after we arrived on Gardenos- white rose trees lining the aisles of the central cathedral, the children's choir, and presided over by the archbishop of Gardenos herself." Cally sighed. "Del wanted to make it a double ceremony, but..." Cally smiled at Vila. "I said no."

Vila back tracked, confused and more confused. "Do you mean... you want to marry me?"

"Oh, yes, Vila!" Cally handed him a gaily wrapped box. Conveniently the lid was wrapped separately. As Vila opened it, she laid Servona back down on the other bed, where the baby promptly fell asleep.

Vila opened the box and took out a necklace of crystals carved like human teeth. He gulped. "What's this?"

"The traditional Auron betrothal necklace." She turned her back to him and sat on the edge of the bed. "If you want to accept me, then put it on me."

Vila gulped again, and slowly, lovingly, erotically, lifted her hair so as not to tangle in the clasp, and put it on her. "You know, those are the prettiest rock crystals I've ever seen."

"Oh, they're not rock crystal. I couldn't afford that, they're just diamonds."

"Just diamonds?"  Cally nodded. "They're the most common stone on Auron. And quite a nuisance as they blunt gardening tools so quickly."

Vila's brain was spinning. "But, but... how did you get them? Isn't Auron contaminated ..."

Cally smiled. "After we got to know each other, Servalan admitted the disease actually puts Aurons into a coma that looks like death. She arranged for the antidote to be sprayed all over the planet. That didn't bring back Zelda, of course, but... well, Zelda was always a bit of a bore, anyway."

"You still haven't answered me."

"What? Oh, about me and Blake retiring from the rebellion? Well, we've won. Now that Servalan's on our side, and she controls her clones, there's Sleer who's eliminating the pylene 50 program, and Sonja who's head of Space Command, and Serena is on the high council and has seduced the President into doing whatever she says, and... well, there are a lot of her around. So why should we rock the boat, when it's sailing where we want?"

Vila grinned and held out his arms. Cally moved in and they kissed.

The door announcer buzzed. "Don't answer that," Vila muttered. Cally broke the kiss, placed her finger on his lips as a place-holder and went to the door.

 _"Don't step on my blue suede shoes,"_ a rich voice sang, and a tall man with black hair, blue eyes, and a suit so loaded with rhinestones and studs that it clattered, stepped into the room with a baby in his arms.

"Avon," Cally said. "I told you I wanted time alone with Vila."

"I know you did, darlin," Avon said in that same sexy voice, "But Delly wanted her mommy, and Servalan said it's time for Servona's nose drops. You know how congested she gets if we miss a dose."

Cally took the baby from him. "Well, as long as you're here, congratulate Vila. He's convinced me to bond with him."

Avon beamed and strode over to Vila. "Wonderful! I made Ramon give back Orac, so we can use it to control the disco lights for your wedding."

Vila grinned.

***

And woke up to someone shaking his shoulder. "Vila. Vila..."

"DAMN." He punched out wildly, furious at having his lovely dream interrupted. There was a yelp and a thud. Vila blinked and looked down the aisle of the _London's_ sleeping quarters at Kerr Avon, who was lying on the deck, holding his nose and moaning.

Everyone else was staring at Vila. He shrugged. "Any chance of a cup of coffee?"

**Author's Note:**

> Soap Clichés Used:
> 
> Angels Among Us, ~~Shuttle~~ Elevator Breakdown Rule, Curious Coma Cure, Convenient Miscarriage, Drugstore Was Closed Rule, Caste System Be Damned!, Wake Up in Makeup/clean-shaven, Evil Twin Rule, Disappearing Corpse Rule, Gilligan Principle, Morning Breath Rule, Gym Shirtlessness Policy, Well-Behaved Baby Rule, Double Pregnancy Rule, Amnesia, Perilous Pregnancy Principle, Paternity Test Principle, One & Done--never wear the same outfit twice, Endless Employment Philosophy, Wedding Planning Timespan Principle, Gift Wrap Rule, Necklace Principle, Engagement Ring Enormity Rule, Medical Miracle, "You Still Haven't Answered Me." , Don't Answer That, Stop Acting and Sing! , "Have You Done Something Different With Your Hair?" , Unannounced Dream Sequence. When the first scene of a soap episode features six months worth of secrets being exposed or the estranged supercouple suddenly reuniting, the scene in which these events take place will always turn out to have been a dream.


End file.
